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sitting with the self

soulfullyalive444

The last few days, I have been feeling a rumbling of anger within. My thoughts have been more erratic and my energy is scattered. This state of the “unknown” has knocked me a little off kilter, and I have forgotten what is important to maintain balance and peace and harmony within.

So, why am I experiencing this space of anger? What has happened within which is producing this barrage of scattered energy and erratic thought patterns?

The only way I knew how to answer these questions was to take some time and dwell within; to sit in silence and find my quiet place to process and understand. Something I have been failing to do of late. As I sat to look within, it didn’t take long to tune into the source of my upheaval. It was quite obvious for me. I came to understand my outer world is in a state of “unknown” with no clear definition or “end in sight” for this current state of events. And instead of focusing on the world I can create and surrender to within myself, I succumbed to the upheaval of the outer circumstances of life. I am letting it control my space, my thoughts, my energy within. I am letting it affect me to the root of my being; hence creating my tension of body and mind.

My outer world, like many others, and its experiences, is at a standstill and I am letting this affect my inner sense of SELF. I am identifying too much with my outer circumstances wondering which unknown potentials would occur or not. What can I control? These unknown potentials are where I am letting my SELF become defined within, and dictate how I show up and experience life.

I came to understand I have for most my life, lived and experienced this world based upon known events, planning and preparing for what I can control in life. Most people like to control their lives, knowing there is a finish line to the tasks we set out to achieve. We identify with them. We identify our sense of SELF with the achievements we create, grounding ourselves in the experiences of our physical lives. And now, the ability to control how and what we want and do, is being defined and dictated by someone else. I am being told when I can and cannot travel, how my children can learn, where they can go, how I shop, who I can socialize with, and how I am allowed to work. All my routine habits, the events I have grounded my sense of SELF into, have been taken away. Now I am forced to find a way to ground in a world in which the rules change daily, sometimes hourly, for how I am allowed to experience this physical life. My sense of freedom has changed. This unknown has knocked me down, leaving me un-motivated and unsure how to find stable ground again.

And this is where I sat. And I understood my anger. I understood where my erratic thoughts were coming from. And I understood why my energy was jumping from one place to the next. I came to understand that inner essence of me. And I came to understand the flow of life will always change in ways I do not expect or can control, but are necessary to adapt to, to shift my being. I will ground within those moments, to move forward and change, and GROW. The one thing I can control and understand more, is, quite simply, me. My ability to be, to look within, and adapt to the flow of life. This will be a conscious effort, with new goals, new intentions, but it will create a sense of SELF that is grounded within me, and not the events that surround me.

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